To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a Some things you may never known until you move in together. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. ReginaRey Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. silver_dragon_girl GatorGirl Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. Pretty much. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. ReginaRey June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. I married an apron-strings boy like that. maybe im misunderstanding you. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. ReginaRey Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. ReginaRey FireStar They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? Then you may just be spending too much time together. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. Red_Lady If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. lets_be_honest Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. Make plans for activities. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. This is something about him that will likely never change. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. I have a friend whose husband is like this. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. I am afraid for humanity. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. This is how children are taught. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. The timeline seems off here. John Rohan Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. I am actually not promoting anything. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Lemongrass Will.i.am So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. Your It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. Does that make sense? I thought the same thing. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. Did you guys actually read this letter? It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Michelle Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Schedule some girls' nights out. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. . His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. , silver_dragon_girl I think its also different when it isnt your family. GatorGirl Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. GatorGirl No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Tax Geek Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? Youve been together four months. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic GatorGirl I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. But Ill tell you what. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. 14 years ago. or just dinner? Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. They are content with the status quo. I agree with you both. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. I love girls night out. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. 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